How to accept your partner’s flaws

Think about how they relate to the traits you like.

As soon as the heady sensation of a new love disappears and the object of our feelings ceases to seem the height of perfection, we find that there is at least one thing in it that we do not like. This habit or character trait is annoying, angry, upsetting.

With the development of relationships, people can still remain in love, but the characteristics of each other begin to lead to constant conflicts. Both want the other to change some habit, and both fail to correct something in themselves. This often leads to disappointment in your partner or even dislike. We begin to think: “If she loved me, she could change.”

But doing something about deeply rooted behavior is almost impossible. Think about whether you yourself have managed to change any of the character traits. Hardly. Therefore, more than half of the conflicts in marriage are endless and insoluble – they last throughout the entire life of the couple.

This is easier said than done, of course. Usually we strictly distinguish between those traits that we love in a partner and those that we don’t like. But in reality, they are often inextricably linked.

Let’s say a wife is impressed by the brutality of her husband, a feeling of security with him, but she doesn’t like that he is not very sensitive and shows little emotion. Although the very energy that fuels his masculinity suppresses manifestations of tenderness. And the spouse likes that the wife is artistic and creative. But it annoys him that she does not like to stick to plans. However, it is the energy that makes her creative that causes the woman to act spontaneously.

So do not yearn for an impossible scenario in which your partner retains all the traits that you love and eliminates what you don’t like. Once you accept that his lack is just another manifestation of the same energy, it will be easier for you to accept that trait.

The author of The Art of Manliness blog Brett McKay gave several examples from his personal life. It is very difficult for his wife Kate to come on time, she is late anytime, anywhere. She loves trying to get ahead of time and get an adrenaline rush from it. Brett, on the contrary, is punctual, so this tendency of his wife annoys him. Especially when they need to catch a plane.

She wants to be at the airport in a few minutes, and Brett in a few hours. However, he is not too annoyed with Kate’s lack of punctuality, as he understands that this trait is due to the same side of her personality that seeks adventure and adds fun to their lives. He knows that these are two sides of the same coin, which he loves and values.

Brett himself is prone to melancholy, his mood often changes. Of course, it would be easier for both of them if he was always in a good mood. But Kate realizes that without this side of character, her husband would not be the person she loves. And he takes Brett’s melancholic and pessimistic moods as the other side of the coin. The one that makes him conscientious and sensitive.

While it is unreasonable to assume that someone will completely change fundamental character traits, it is still possible to expect your partner to try to smooth out their shortcomings a little. For example, Kate tries to be on time or just a little late when the event is important to Brett or to both of them. And he tries to keep his melancholy in check.

By realizing that annoying traits go hand in hand with the ones you love, it’s easier to accept the person you love for who they are. After all, you would not want to drain the source that fuels the positive sides of your partner in order to get rid of the habits that upset you. The same goes for friends. Choosing one side of the medal, you get the other, and if this medal is good, hold on to it and do not miss it.