3 symptoms of unhealthy communication in a couple

Check your relationship and find out how to fix it.

Even the most harmonious relationship cannot do without conflict and friction. Arguing and being offended is normal, this does not mean that everything goes wrong in a couple. But so that quarrels do not destroy the union, it is important to strengthen the connection between partners, to build adequate and honest communication. Psychologists offer several strategies for this.

What situations indicate communication problems

Before looking for a solution, it would be nice to understand what actions and statements harm mutual understanding.

1. Passive aggression

Instead of openly showing anger and discontent and telling what worries him, a passive-aggressive person hides his feelings and expresses them in an indirect, veiled form. This manifests itself in different ways. For example, in offensive jokes, innuendoes and caustic remarks. Inappropriate humor and sarcasm can hurt your partner if they are vulnerable and you are discussing a sensitive topic.

Another manifestation of hidden aggression is complete ignorance and heavy silence when one tries to punish the other with a “boycott”.

All of these actions provide temporary relief and release negative emotions, but in the long run they interfere with normal communication and work against you.

2. Avoiding problems

Even if a conflict is brewing in a couple, people are simply silent about what they do not like, being afraid to start an unpleasant conversation. Only here the problems do not disappear from this, but on the contrary, they can acquire catastrophic proportions.

Sometimes it seems that silence is a way to isolate yourself from your partner and define your boundaries. But they are precisely established through conversations and discussions. And being silent leads to misunderstandings.

Another not the healthiest tactic is to leave in the midst of a conversation or conflict. Flight leads to the fact that partners are moving away from each other, and the problem remains unresolved. If you feel that you are bursting with emotions and you need time-out, tell about it, do not leave silently.

3. Hostile behavior

It is indicated by accusations, harsh criticism, attempts to control and suppress a partner and other actions, because of which one person seems to attack, and the other is forced to defend himself.

Signs of hostile behavior include raising your voice. Shouting is disrespectful and not the most effective way to express anger. The interlocutor is stressed, angry, frightened. All this is not good for communication.

Constant reminders of old mistakes can also be seen as hostile behavior. This will not build rapport, but only instill guilt in your partner. It makes no sense to endlessly procrastinate the same conflicts and oversights.

What techniques will help establish communication

1. Learn to recognize and accept your emotions

Before talking to your partner about an issue, look deep into yourself, be aware of how you are feeling, and experience the emotions. If possible, wait for the storm inside to calm down a bit. If you start a conversation when you are irritated or offended, the conversation will be very tense and it is unlikely that the conflict will be resolved.

2. Choose the right moment to talk

If the situation is not very acute and can be tolerated, first carefully weigh what you want to say. Wait until you and your partner have enough free time and when both of you are calm and relaxed. Warn you that you are concerned about something and that you would like to discuss the situation so that your loved one is not too overwhelmed.

3. Use self-messages

Very often we express our grievances and discontent in an accusatory manner: “You are always late!”, “You are talking to me rudely.” All these jabs only anger the interlocutor, make him defend himself and blame you in return. And this clearly does not contribute to peace and mutual understanding in a couple.

In order to clearly convey your thought and really resolve the conflict, it is better to talk not about your partner and his mistakes, but about the feelings that you feel about this. This is the essence of the self-message technique.

For example, instead of being indignant – “You have all your thoughts only about work, but you don’t pay attention to me!”, You should say: “I feel very lonely, I miss you lately, because you work a lot”.

4. Listen

Give your partner the opportunity to speak up and listen carefully. Use active listening techniques to demonstrate that you are sympathetic to what he says and are willing to share his feelings.

Don’t make the conversation a competition. Focus on building rapport. Your goal should be a compromise, not a desire to assert yourself and prove to your partner that he is wrong. Then it will be easier to create and maintain a strong bond.

5. Set boundaries

They help avoid misunderstandings and communicate with tact and respect for each other’s feelings. For example, if the money in your pair is a reason for conflict, agree that before buying you will discuss any spending more than a certain amount.

6. Communicate more often throughout the day

Write to each other about what is happening to you, how you react and how strong your feelings are. This is a great opportunity to speak out emotions before they accumulate and lead to an explosion.