Why love can’t be earned
For you to be reciprocated, you first need to understand yourself.
Why we believe that love can be deserved
Romantic cliches say: if you really love, you have to fight for this feeling, even if the person does not reciprocate. The methods can be very different. For example, come to the object of adoration and sing serenades. Call at night and breathe into the tube. Eliminate competitors. Well, or just too actively to care. In romantic stories, everything ends well: a person will definitely change his mind and love in return. That is why it seems that in reality the happy ending will not keep itself waiting long, if you try hard enough.
But cultural attitudes are not to blame for this illusion. For many, this belief is taken from childhood and is directly related to parental love. Mom and Dad are the first on whom we train to build relationships. And not every one of us receives care, affection, attention in the volume that it needs.
Traumatic education is reinforced by various films and programs, where competition and struggle for a partner is the norm. People who are already vulnerable in this direction only become more convinced that their strategy is correct.
Why are attempts to achieve love dangerous?
You met a person and loved him with all your heart, but he did not reciprocate you. It doesn’t matter in what form you received a refusal: an overt “no” or ignorance. It is important that you do not hear “yes” and do not see in the object of adoration a readiness to invest equally in your relationship. Here you would retreat and go in search of a more suitable person for you. But many begin an operation to win love, and in vain.
- You can become a victim of a manipulator
It seems that the situation is under control: you are the initiator of what is happening, you decide what to do and when. But things may not be so simple.
There is a risk of getting involved in a long unpleasant game. By being willing to do anything for love, you become a great target. You will put a lot of effort, time, and other resources into satisfying your crush, but you will never be good enough. And the manipulator will receive from you all sorts of benefits and levers for control: expectation (“Just a little more, and everything will work out!”) And guilt (“I’m doing something wrong again”).
You cannot achieve any love this way. But, when the manipulator plays enough and leaves you, you will be devastated. This will hurt your self-esteem and can lead to depression. Plus, days, months, or even years will be wasted.
- You will waste precious time stalking
A stalker is called not only a lover of abandoned places, but also one who obsessively pursues another person. It doesn’t matter for what purpose. If you were refused, and you try to always be there, overwhelm you with gifts, constantly write or call, this is not nice. It’s annoying and frightening.
Obviously, reciprocal feelings cannot be achieved in this way. Someone may be able to intimidate the victim and start a relationship with her, but this is hardly what you dreamed about.
- Reciprocity in your relationship is questionable
Sometimes the relationship is still achieved. Maybe you give the most beautiful flowers, cook delicious borscht or are an excellent conversationalist – you never know why to be with you. But such a union does not guarantee love or even sympathy. Relationships can be built on other feelings: gratitude, guilt, fear, or hopelessness.
It is also possible that at some point you will get bored with all this. Perhaps you are fighting for love so zealously not because you are so in love. It’s just your way to prove to yourself that you are capable of something, and to raise your self-esteem.
Why don’t you have to deserve love
Of course, this is not about giving up courtship and signs of attention. Just remember: they only work when the sympathy is mutual, and you don’t have to deserve love in any way, because you already deserve it.
Stability can be achieved only through yourself and your inner support. Self-love will help you with this.
