No secrets: is it ok to read your partner’s correspondence
If you’re convinced that there is no room for anything personal in a relationship, we have bad news for you.
Secretly checking messages in messengers, social networks or partner’s e-mail is not an innocent prank, but a violation of personal boundaries. If you yourself are doing this or have caught a loved one spying, you need to understand the reasons and figure out how to stop it.
Why do people read someone else’s correspondence
Psychologists talk about several main reasons.
- The couple has big trust issues
The “spy” does not trust his partner, fears a trick on his part and wants to immediately receive information about a possible deception in order to protect himself. Probably, all this is not happening out of nowhere: there have already been betrayals, lies, betrayal in the couple. Or someone who spies was tricked in a past relationship, and now he cannot trust anyone at all.
- There is no intimacy between partners
They do not know how or do not want to share their experiences and discuss problems. They keep silent, hide their discontent, do not talk about their suspicions and fears. As a result, omissions and resentments accumulate, grow, turn into jealousy and push one of the partners to stick his nose into someone else’s phone.
- One of the partners is not sure of himself
It seems to him that he does not deserve love, that he is not attractive or smart enough, which means that the partner will soon grow cold towards him and begin to cheat. The person is afraid of being deceived and reads someone else’s correspondence to make sure everything is in order. Well, or to find out about infidelity as early as possible and then not look like a fool. In the opinion of psychologists, self-doubt is one of the main reasons for jealousy.
- One of the partners wants to control the other
He needs to know absolutely everything about his half: where she goes, what she thinks, with whom she communicates and what she says about him. Therefore, it is used to read correspondence, spy, install spyware, steal passwords. All these are signs of emotional abuse: a person considers his partner to be his property and cannot allow him to get off the hook.
Abusers are not absolute villains. They behave this way because of vulnerability, fear of failure, self-doubt, but their actions can be extremely destructive to others.
What’s wrong with reading someone else’s correspondence
It is believed that there should be no secrets in a relationship. If a person does not deceive his partner, then he will not be offended at all that he delves into his chats, notes and letters.
But no matter how close people are, they should still have personal space, and correspondence is part of it. Reading them without permission is like breaking into a bathroom when a person is washing, getting into his diary, rummaging through things.
This is a manifestation of disrespect, and such actions can end in a quarrel or even a breakup.
In addition, espionage clearly does not increase mutual trust: partners do not talk to each other about what worries them, but simply slowly climb into someone else’s phone. Moreover, it is very easy to misinterpret information from correspondence if you do not know the context and background, you do not understand internal jokes. There is a risk of making a very big mistake, winding yourself up and offending your loved one.
And finally, correspondence may involve third parties who are clearly not happy that their secrets or important business information is being read by someone else.
How to stop spying
Psychologists advise you to analyze what drives you and work with the cause, not the effect. That is, to strengthen self-confidence and a sense of self-worth, to work through (perhaps with the help of a specialist) past grievances and traumas, often remind yourself that healthy relationships are built on trust and surveillance can destroy everything.
If you do not feel safe, are not sure of your partner and you have already had a sad experience with him – think about whether you really should be together.
Have you ever read your partner’s correspondence? Or maybe someone was spying on you? Share stories in the comments.
