Don’t know how to find the words if you really hurt her a lot?

I will try to tell you in as much detail as possible about how best to do this, making up a kind of universal formula for an apology.

However, first you should familiarize yourself with the most important rule: you should ask for forgiveness only when you really consider yourself to be guilty, and this is sincere.

If this is your case, then let’s go.

  1. Take a break and calm down

Do not rush to apologize, restoring trust is a serious matter. First, allow yourself to move away from the stress you experienced.

All people at least once in their lives say hurtful things in the heat of a quarrel, do something that they then bitterly regret.

  1. Realize and acknowledge your role in the fight

Try to dissect the situation, decompose it into its components. Try not to lie to yourself and understand why it happened the way it happened, what is the real reason for your actions (outbursts of anger, betrayal, drunkenness).

In the process, you can come to the most different and sometimes unexpected conclusions. The fact is that people often apologize “on the machine”, because “it is so accepted.” In fact, the fight was a symptom of a much more serious problem that you should discuss and perhaps even take a temporary time out in the relationship.

If you analyzed what happened, figured out the reasons for your behavior, felt guilty and realized that you were ripe for an apology – think over your speech in advance (thesis), you can even throw your thoughts on paper.

  1. Choose the right time and place

Make sure nobody distracts you. If you can’t talk calmly at home, you should call her to a cafe and
chat there over a cup of tea.

If you do this in the wrong place, the conversation may be interrupted, and you may never return to it, ending in mid-sentence (which threatens with hidden resentments).

  1. Prepare a refreshing drink

If you do decide to talk at home, make a simple refreshing drink for both of you – lemon water or green tea.

You can prepare a delicious treat ahead of time, such as baking gingerbread cookies. The main thing here is not to overdo it. Alcohol, full meals, cakes are inappropriate in the given circumstances and will clearly be superfluous.

  1. Forget pride

This is not the best approach to anything. If you find it so unbearable to apologize and admit your own mistakes, you may have self-esteem issues. In this case, first you should work on yourself, read specialized literature, or, perhaps, go for a couple of sessions to a psychologist.

  1. Try to be as honest as possible

Without this point, it is unlikely that it will be possible to truly improve relations, any insincerity is always felt, especially by a close person.

Even if the apology is formally accepted, it is likely that inside it will be clouded by the feeling that you were not completely honest.

  1. Take responsibility, apologize

No one is responsible for your behavior, except yourself. It doesn’t matter how bad things are at work, whether you have a headache, who “provoked” you and for how long. You obviously shouldn’t have done what you did, and the circumstances had nothing to do with it.

Try to say in your own words that you were very wrong and you regret it. Say that you understand, apologies by themselves do not mean anything, but you will try not to be unfounded and back them up with actions.

  1. Tell us about the changes that have taken place in you

It will be great if you tell me what has changed in you, what experience you have gained. Perhaps you have realized or felt something?

  1. Listen to her with an open heart

After your monologue, it’s her turn, and there may be two most likely scenarios. The first is that the beloved will also open up, talk about her feelings, resentment, fears, pain and fears. Listen and don’t interrupt, try to understand her feelings.

The second scenario is similar to the first, but more emotional. Be prepared for a wave of criticism and accusations after an apology. In that case, if you are serious about making up, be patient. Don’t argue, don’t underestimate the guilt, admit your real mistakes. Try to translate the conversation into a constructive direction. If this is difficult, you can respond with a slight delay, so as not to accidentally say something offensive. Here it is important not to adopt negative emotions and pay attention exclusively to feelings – pain, fear and resentment.

  1. Validate her feelings and don’t discount them.

It is very important to learn to recognize the feelings of the other – this does not mean abandoning your position and agreeing with your partner in everything. You can still disagree, but at the same time admit that her feelings and reactions to what happened are real, and you do not doubt them. Admit it, it’s not up to you to decide exactly how she needed to be upset (or not upset) because of your act.

  1. Be prepared that forgiveness will take time

Never insist on immediate resumption of communication, even if your apology has been accepted. If your girlfriend says she needs time to recover, be patient and do as you are asked.

Show understanding and respect for her feelings. The person who has been offended often feels depressed and powerless. The ability to “push back” the aggressor and establish your own rules means regaining control over the situation.

You should be prepared for the fact that even after your confidential conversation, your partner will want to be alone. Everyone has their own pace of healing wounds, the restoration of warm and trusting relationships can take days, weeks, months (but what is really there, depending on the situation, sometimes years).

  1. Confirm your words with actions

Think over your mistakes again and try not to repeat what happened in the future. This is a very important point, so take it seriously. If necessary, you can ask for qualified help.

If the mistake repeats, your beloved will stop believing your apology and will always expect a second “attack” from you in the future.

  1. Don’t be afraid to say the magic phrase “I love you”

People in healthy relationships do not stop loving each other even after very big fights. Yes, it can be difficult to find the strength to say “I love you” after you have quarreled and greatly offend a person. The reason for this is a feeling of guilt and a feeling that after what happened, they simply will not believe you (and laugh in your face).

But if you say these words even immediately after what happened, you will see – both you and her will immediately feel better. Do not delay with this magic phrase, otherwise later you may simply regret it.

Saying “I love you” after an argument means reminding each other that despite what happened, your deep affection has not gone away.

But if for some reason these words are too difficult and impossible to say, try to express your love wordlessly.

Only in no case violate the boundaries of a person, do not touch without permission, do not hug or kiss forcibly. It is perfectly normal in this situation to delicately ask your wife for a hug, because you have not yet developed a close relationship with her.

  1. Do something nice for your beloved

When a person is very offended, and you understand that apologies and a confidential conversation were still not enough, it may be worth giving him something to please.

But I’m not talking about a bouquet of roses and a huge teddy bear.

Remember, resentment compensation with gifts is the weakest and most unreliable of all possible (albeit the most popular). And not because gifts are bad, but because they involve mostly cash and minimal emotional involvement.

During quarrels, the emotional connection between people suffers first of all, therefore it is necessary to “fix” it. Caring and collaborative activities are best suited for this purpose.

I also strongly advise against making surprises, it is better to ask her quite openly: “I feel very guilty. I would like to please you, so that at least a little to make amends. What can I do for you?”

It is important to be ready to fulfill her request, otherwise you will only make it worse.

By Cindy
August 3, 2020

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