Each of us has heard this terrible word many times – “friendzone”. But what does it really mean? Where did it come from? Why is it humiliating and even offensive to women? And what should you do if you think you are in the “friendzone”?

What is a friendzone?

As a rule, this word refers to a situation when one person, most often a man, is interested in a sexual or romantic plan in another person, most often a woman, while the second one perceives him only as a friend.

It is believed that the girl uses the “bonuses” of friendship with the “good guy”, receives certain “services” – both material and emotional, but in return gives nothing.

Pop culture (in the form of numerous films and series on this subject – remember only “Forrest Gump”, “It’s good to be quiet” or “500 days of summer”) suggests that a guy in this situation should be sorry: he spends time and effort, suffers and faces humiliation in vain, because it remains for the girl “just a friend.”

Why is friendzone a false concept?

Caution, shock content: “friendzones” do not actually exist, and the term itself is offensive and manipulative. Why? I explain.

The concept of a “friendzone” is based on the idea that for a certain amount of effort, time, attention and care, a girl is obliged to “repay” a man with intimate services. Moreover, it is understood that communicating with a girl makes sense only when there is an opportunity to have sex with her, and friendship itself is considered only a stop on the way to bed.

Two important things are denied in this concept: the existence of friendship between a man and a woman, where (like in any other friendship) help, a good time together and respect for each other are basic things, as well as the girl’s subjectivity, her feelings, opinion and sexual preferences. The word “friendzone” implies that if a guy treats a girl well, she will automatically have to respond to him.

This concept assumes that the guy is not a girl friend, but a “friend” (that is, he is only pretending to be a friend). Sex is the currency that a girl must pay with a guy for his “kindness.” And the girl herself is not a completely full-fledged personality who just cannot just want sex and relationships with a “good” guy, unlike men who can always say “she is not my type,” and this immediately dismisses all the questions .

As you already understood, the idea of ​​a friend zone is manipulative and hardly compatible with friendship as such, as well as with respect for women in principle.

What is always important to remember: a girl is not obliged to meet with anyone, simply because he is “good”, “caring” or “cool” from the point of view of society. She has the right to experience or not to have a sexual attraction to a man just like that, without a deep analysis of the reasons.

Also, there is no universal algorithm of actions that helps to find an “approach” to a woman’s heart – this formula greatly simplifies both women and human relations in general.

What to do if you think that you are in the friendzone?

  1. Be honest with yourself

Ask yourself honestly what you want from a girl. Here are some of the most common options (perhaps they will help you formulate your request):

  • Sleep with each other without obligation;
  • Friendship (you are interested in it as a person) + physical intimacy without obligation;
  • Romantic relationship with a girl;
  • Only friendship (you have fun and interesting with her, the current format is quite comfortable).
  1. Be honest with a girl

Many “fall into” the so-called friend zone because of the fear of failure. When you don’t think that a girl owes you something, because you treat her well, but you’re just afraid to tell her directly about your feelings. Most likely, you pretend that what is happening now is enough for you, secretly hoping that she herself will see in you more than a friend.

Admitting your feelings is really scary, especially if your friendship is sincere: there is always a chance to lose the relationship that already exists between you. But try not to be afraid of this obscurity. Think about the fact that your secret is already poisoning you from the inside and does not allow you to live a full life.

Talk with a friend is necessary to get rid of the omissions. Choose a suitable place and time for this, so that nothing distracts you. Discuss with her what you both want from the relationship, and what you absolutely do not want. Be as honest and frank as possible with her. And no matter what the end of this conversation, it will become easier for you because you stopped cheating on her, and at the same time on yourself.

  1. Respect her decision

Drop the beliefs imposed on us that a girl can be convinced over time, even if she first refused. Of course, anything can happen in life, and friendship and truth can at some point develop into love, but there is one important “but”: it is a sincere friendship, without quotes, when people are really interesting to each other and are happy to enjoy communication.

Imitating friendship, forcing yourself to do “friendly” things, building in your head a strategic plan for capture, trying to make a girl jealous, either approaching or moving away from her, are all manipulations and even to some extent violence. After all, consent obtained after much persuasion, manipulation and pressure cannot be considered full agreement.

What is the difference between the concept of “friendzone” from unrequited love?

It is believed that, unlike unrequited love, the “stuck in friendzone” guy faces endless humiliation: he is used without giving anything in return. But the problem is that upon closer examination, all his claims turn out to be insolvent, and good deeds in relation to the girl are not sincere and altruistic, but part of the unspoken transaction that he himself came up with.

Is asking for help moving a friend is not normal? Say thank you in response to a compliment? Accept a gift? Hugging, kissing each other on the cheeks, going to visit, cooking something tasty, eating together, watching movies and hanging out? None of this implies that a person is ready for something more and wants to take relations to another level.

The fact that a person enjoys attention and care is logical and normal (although the fact that all girls want male attention is also a stereotype). The only way to find out if a girl wants sex and / or relationships is to ask her directly. It is possible that he wants (why not?), But if not, you need to find the strength to accept the denial.

By Cindy
May 4, 2020

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