Just cross out these phrases from your routine.

Let’s not deny or argue that we all grew up in a chauvinistic culture that systematically humiliates women, not thinking that the words we often speak can have the wrong consequences and affect them negatively.

I must say right away: I started this conversation not to poke a finger or to blame you for something, but to make the environment a little more favorable for women. One way or another, we all would like to practice the equality of thoughts and actions, so it’s worth understanding what exactly women are tired of hearing from the opposite sex.

Here are a few phrases that sound, at first glance, quite neutral (or even as a compliment), but you should not say them to any woman, because in fact they are rather humiliating.

You are not like other women / You are not like everyone else

It may seem to some that you have given the girl a flattering compliment, but in fact, if you look, it’s not. This phrase says only one thing: women for you are mostly stupid / mercantile / cynical (substitute any other evil qualities) creatures. And suddenly you find someone who is different from all this vile mass.

Women do not like to humiliate other women. In addition, the girl may be afraid that you plan to manipulate this, that is, if in the future she will behave in a certain way, she will immediately get “I thought you were special, and you are like everyone else.”

In general, if you really want to say a nice compliment, then I advise you to find out how to do it right.

My ex was just crazy

This item follows logically from the previous one. Disrespect and insult to the one with whom you were after all close for a long time, this is unpleasant. In addition, the girl may have very well-founded fears that if your relationship ends, you will also be unflattering to speak about her. Therefore, be prudent and keep with yourself all the unpleasant stories and impressions of your ex-girlfriend.

I didn’t know that you were so smart

Do you know how that sounds? And that’s what it sounds like: you are only interested in her because of her appearance, and the fact that she is smart was a real surprise for you. Of course she is smart! She may even be smarter than you, and this fact should not be taken as an unexpected discovery.

Why are there so many cosmetics / Why do not you use cosmetics?

Women want to make-up (or vice versa) and dress cool for themselves. Women want to be painted (or vice versa not to be painted) and dress cool for themselves. And stop thinking differently already. This is a great way to express yourself, the opportunity to enjoy your own sexuality, and cosmetics is also just fun (maybe you should try it yourself?).

And in general, what do you do in order to feel good? Think about it. If a girl wants to look in a certain way, this is her choice, and you should not judge her by what she wears, or how much makeup she has on her.

Have you ever thought of starting a family?

I am sure that many women hear this from relatives and friends. As in the case of cosmetics, it is her choice: to be alone, start an open relationship or get married, and no one has the right to tell her what will be more correct. Women do not like this question because it sounds regressively: those times when the girl had only one way – to wives and mothers – are already in the past.

Why aren’t you smiling?

You will probably tell this to your girlfriend if she is not in the mood. Unexpected news: a woman does not have to always be in high spirits and smile, be sociable and friendly, support your ego and, in principle, do everything according to your whims. So if you want her to smile, try talking to her, find out what happened, help, support. Or do something to make her laugh.

Hey, relax i’m a feminist

If you really need to try so hard so that a woman does not perceive you, your words or actions with hostility, most likely you are not a professional at all. By the way, yes, that’s exactly what you should call yourself if you support women in their struggle for their rights.

Wow, that’s a big number

If she ever tells you how many men she slept with, do not round your eyes and do not focus on this, just give your number in response. Aren’t women allowed to enjoy sex and control their own body the way they want?

Why is it that for a man is socially approved behavior, for a woman gives rise to jokes, mockery and general contempt? It’s time to put an end to this, to have sex of your own free will and with the consent of your partner – great in any quantity and for all genders.

I really love and respect women

It would seem that there could be something bad ?!

The problem is that usually this formulation is used by men who divide all women into “Real Women”, who look after themselves, behave “feminine”, consider motherhood to be their main purpose, manage to raise their children, and clean their homes and cook husband, as well as the rest of the “under-women” who need to strive to become women from the first group.

Most likely, any girl to whom you say these words instantly considers this meaning. And he will understand that you really “love and respect some women”, and to others (and most of them) you have an endless list of demands and complaints, because “well, you can’t run yourself like that, you’re a woman.”

When I saw you, I immediately realized that I would marry you

It’s romantic, here it is, love at first sight! Not certainly in that way. If this is only a metaphor with which you want to inform the girl about your love at the third date (conditionally), then the problem is only in the wording.

If you really decided to marry her, whether she wants it or not, everything is much worse.

First level problem: you don’t know yet and you can’t know well enough the girl with whom I went on a couple of dates. You yourself created her image in thoughts, but not the fact that she will correspond to it. Most likely, if you were married, you would not appeal to her real, but to your mental image, which, for some reason, seemed to you suitable for the role of your wife.

The second level problem: a woman cannot be made to fall in love with anyone. Yes, pop culture has inspired us for many years that if a man behaves in a certain way and does something for the sake of a woman, she must certainly fall in love with him. That women need to be sought, but her “no” does not mean anything. But this is not so! It’s worth reconciling: we can’t control everything, influence sexual attraction, the appearance of those same “sparks”, “chemistry”, “butterflies in the stomach” and other magic. It is necessary to reckon with the opinions of others, but to persecute, “seek out” and persuade on relations is already violence.

Before that, everyone was happy / Nobody ever complained

Conflicts, problems and friction are in ANY relationship. The only difference is whether they are discussed openly and honestly or are hushed up. The fact that someone in a couple has discomfort and discontent is absolutely normal. It’s not normal to not try to discuss this and find compromises.

If before that “no one complained”, then your ex knew that talking to you is useless. Or she was so intimidated that she did not venture to make a complaint. Or both of you did not know how to talk about difficulties and saved them in yourself until you parted (which is also bad).

I’m ready for everything for you

Alas, experienced women know that men who say such phrases do not mean sharing homework equally, leave to care for a child on his part, foot massage before going to bed, sexual experiments, trips to a family therapist if necessary, providing support every time she needs it and other nice things.

So what are you ready for her? Let’s guess. Get involved in a conflict if someone tells you a rude word or pushes her (for a woman this is a potentially dangerous situation – just an additional stress), break some kind of sports record (while you train, she will be alone all the time), break it for her a star from the sky (actually not), commit a thoughtless act and cripple (then take care of you for her), earn all the money of the world (this is unlikely), but it’s clear that you will try anyway (therefore, because of employment she will almost never see you).

You’re my soulmate

No, this is not a romantic phrase. Most likely, the girl will think that you are a very insecure person, prone to co-dependent relationships. That is, you will definitely try to dissolve in your partner.

Relations where the two are fixated on each other, they absolutely coincide with all their interests, they often ignore their own needs, if they conflict with the interests of the other, this is an unhealthy scheme. If you are really inclined to this kind of interaction and perceive any disagreement of opinions and interests in the couple as a disaster, I strongly advise you to contact a therapist.

You’re too loud / pushy / bold / straightforward / rude

It is still difficult for some men to come to terms with the fact that women are full-fledged individuals and independent enough to do their own thing: to uphold something that seems important to them and, as it seems right to them, to resent loudly when they are something outraged and opposed to something without the support of a man. Especially at work or on social networks. Do not try to silence women when they speak, because they have the same right to do this as you.

I dream that you will give birth to us many children

Even for a woman who adheres to traditional values, this is a rather dumb statement.

The first child needs a speech therapist, the second individual math lessons, the third braces, and the fourth weekly massage sessions and pool? This is all a whim and new-fangled ways of exhausting money from people, here are our parents … and their parents … In general, they can do without it. And in general, I would have found a job for a long time, otherwise I need money for whims, and I’m not doing anything at home all day.

Few appreciate the good guys

Let’s be honest. You hardly meant that you worked as a volunteer in an orphanage, hospice or charity that helps homeless people. You hardly eat meat because you feel sorry for the animals. It is unlikely that you care about the environment, you separate the garbage and give it away for recycling. You hardly dream that in our country, gay marriage is finally allowed and the discriminatory law on gay propaganda is repealed. (The list goes on and on.)

Most likely, you just meant that on the whole it’s normal and you haven’t done anything really bad. And you also credit yourself with the fact that you rarely get drunk, don’t beat women and children and are ready to share your salary with your future wife. That’s why you consider yourself a “good guy”, which means you deserve the best: a beautiful girl who is sexy, economical, deliciously cooked, kind, caring, hard-working, not a loafer, loyal, wise, patient, well-read, smart versatile, compassionate, interesting, always different and so on (the whole list of your requirements here, alas, does not fit).

By Cindy
April 15, 2020

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