Do not love her to tears: how not to lose a girl with excessive care

Recently, a psychologist friend of mine wrote a column entitled “Rape by Care,” which the armless did not repost in my tape. The synopsis of a note, if you have not read it, is something like this. A man came to his mother for family gatherings, under the final of which the ritual distribution of gifts on the road began. To my mother’s direct question whether he loves salad, a direct answer was given: “No. I don’t like it at all. ” Of course, when he returned home, in a bag of goodies, he found a carefully packaged tray with salad. Many of my friends did not predictably share this drama, an adult uncle aching due to the fact that my mother slightly overdid it with care.

My “of course” sentence earlier – not by chance. Because the discussion of this text has once again demonstrated: for many, this is really normal and natural. This is “of course.” Moreover, this is love. And as for disregarding the will of the second member of the regatta, it’s because … it’s just such a strong love.

I can’t count how many times I heard from my friends about similar stories where men played (and continue to perform regularly) men – boyfriends, grooms, husbands. So, for example, the spouse of my girlfriend, a journalist, was asking for a long time what to give her for her birthday. Girlfriend requested a computer. Not anyhow, but quite specific. Specially, she went to the store, reviewed, felt over a bunch of options – she found her own. And very clearly articulated, brand, model, color. As a result, was handed to her, quoting her husband, “similar, only better.” With a very gallant remark: “I will not give my beloved woman any junk.”

Obviously, in the choice of equipment, a man was primarily focused on technical characteristics. It is also obvious that he had no idea what his wife was guided by. And her priority was, for example, the organoleptic properties of the product (so that she could work sitting on the couch and holding the computer on her lap, so it was important for her that it was light and not heated; and this played a greater role than the same processor power). Plus, some frivolous (in the opinion of her husband) particulars – from the series “to fit into my favorite backpack.”

No, the holiday was not hopelessly ruined. My friend politely, albeit without much fervor, thanked her husband. Nodded when he wrote to her how much more powerful and cooler this computer was than she chose. And then she sobbed for a long time and selflessly into my phone, unable to translate her claims from the language of sobs into the language of words.

Moreover, there were few people whom she could sob. The units are literal. The vast majority of common friends, without saying a word, stood up for the defense of her husband and gift. Like, what a drama! The adult aunt is aching due to the fact that her husband slightly overdid it with gallantry. Well, then the donated computer is almost one and a half times more expensive than the one that she chose. And better! And more powerful! And will last longer! “Thank you, I must say, not complain!” – This was roughly the general message of friendly parting words. And few people had the idea that the essence is not a gift. And the fact that the girl’s direct request was ignored. In fact, she herself – an adult, endowed with will, needs and ideas about beauty – was ignored.

I suspect that the reason for the mass “blindness” at this moment lies in the fact that almost every one of us has a conditional “mother with a salad”, whose actions that run counter to our desires and requests were explained and justified … by love . This is what they did to us. Including those who grew up, independent of us, when, for example, they poured soup in response to our “no, thanks, I’ll just have some tea.” Or they got into conflicts, although it was clearly said: “I will figure it out myself.” Or in a thousand different situations. So we continue to do so. Moreover, not only in relation to children and not fully capable relatives (where “I know best” is at least somewhat justified), but also in peer-to-peer pairs.

The idea that love gives you some extra rights and powers is so deeply rooted in consciousness that it is virtually impossible to identify with it.

When we love, we almost always feel omnipotent. All-seeing. Omniscient. At the same time, the one to whom, in fact, our love is directed, is often perceived as such a slightly … subhuman. Who himself is not able to figure out how he will do better – with or without bangs. What is the best way to get there – by metro or taxi. What is better to eat – baguette or ciabatta.

And cause, cause good to him. We rape and rape those we love, with care, gallantry, generosity.

I would like to think that all this, guys, is not about you. That you are not like that. If not for one “but.” Almost half of the questions are about how to force the partners to do something that seems obvious to you, and, accordingly, is not familiar to them. How to make her lose weight. Quit smoking. Change job. Stop communicating with these crazy hens, whom she calls her friends. Do not cut hair. Etc.

Behind all these issues is not only selfishness, but also a sincere desire to make the girl herself better. It is easier for thin people to choose clothes. Smoking kills. From irregular work schedules – bags under the eyes. Stupid friends molest her brain with stupid thoughts. Long hair suits her more than a square (which is confirmed even by Facebook likes). Reasonable, in appearance, arguments. Noble motives. But one thing is not taken into account: how does the girl whom you set out to “do good” feel about?

But she feels herself, to put it mildly, sucks.

That my “friend with salad” referred to one case study. “In the experiment, a large group of dummies ignored one test subject. Absolutely. Pretended that he was not at all. After some time, the subject began to show signs of schizophrenia. ” That is, in fact, such things literally drive people crazy.

Actually, that’s why it is so important for all of us to defend our right to “not eat soup”. His 48th clothing size. Your cigarettes. His work, girlfriends, short hair, etc. But, perhaps, it is even more important to realize that love does not give us any additional rights. Only additional responsibilities. In particular, to listen and try to hear.