Life after parting: do you suppress the desire to return the ex?

Sometimes people break up according to their mutual desire, but much more often there is a situation when for one person the gap becomes “a bolt from the blue”. And in this case, it is quite natural that the first impulse is to return the beloved at all costs. Someone will say: “Try it, and you will succeed!”, And someone will object: “Why, if there are so many other girls around!” So where is the truth – is it worth thinking about the return of the ex?

I must say right away that the desire to return an ex-girlfriend is in itself completely normal, and it does not at all indicate your weakness. But this does not mean that you need to hurriedly look for ways to like her again and restore relations. No, in this case the “indirect” path will be much more effective, and you will have to work not so much with relationships (which are no longer), but with yourself.

What to do if you want to return the ex

Step 1: Realize exactly what you want to return
Let’s start with the most important thing: think – and what exactly do you want to return when you think about restoring relations? If you say “her love,” that will be a very general answer. Most likely, you want to return very specific things: her care, regular sex, the ability to share your hobbies with someone, help in everyday life, the feeling that they are waiting for you at home … Try to formulate and write down what exactly you received from these relationships even without why are you feeling bad now.

Step 2: Do not try to control others – control yourself
So, when you understand that you were given a relationship with an ex-girlfriend or wife, the next step was to learn how to get it in another way. As long as you associate the receipt of some pleasures with your relationship – you are addicted, and you will not be able to get rid of the desire to return everything. So try to find freedom!
In fact, almost all the advantages of relations with the former you can get without it. Care? Learn to take care of yourself (keep in mind when a man can serve himself in everyday life, women tend to take away household chores from him). Communication? Expand your circle of acquaintances, for sure there are many interesting people around. Sex? Take care of your image, learn to flirt – and girls will like you. In other words, start relying on yourself to become independent. Even if in the end the ex decides to return, it will help you start the story “from scratch” and on other conditions.

Step 3: Instead of “freedom from” – “freedom for”
The famous psychologist Erich Fromm proposes to separate such things as “freedom from …” and “freedom for …”. In the first case, we are struggling with something, striving to get rid of something, and as a result, we may be even more attached. So, trying to get rid of thoughts about the former, you will think more and more about her. Trying to meet other girls in order to prove to her that you do not care about your break, you will begin to constantly ask yourself the question “Will she notice, and what will she say?”. Do not drive yourself into this trap.

Therefore, true independence gives only “freedom for” when you seek to open yourself for something new. If you decide to make acquaintance – let it not be “to get rid of thoughts of the former”, but “to pump in communication and flirting.” If you took up your image, do it not for the sake of evaluating it, but for those new opportunities that a good physical shape and appearance will open.

Finally, to summarize, I want to say that the question of whether to return an ex-girlfriend does not make much sense. It is important to regain yourself after the break – control over your life, confidence and the feeling that you are standing firmly on your feet. In this case, you will benefit regardless of whether your relationship is restored.

By Cindy
October 21, 2019

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