Love makes you weak. How to avoid this?

“Be a light to yourself. Do not follow others. Become your own light. ”
It is not for nothing that I chose the famous Buddha’s statement for this article, because it very briefly and succinctly formulates the very “secret of inner strength” that many would like to know.

In fact, there is no secret – almost all philosophical teachings have been talking about him for hundreds and thousands of years. And in the modern world, nothing has changed in this regard: what the Buddha meant by “light for himself,” modern psychologists call the “internal locus of control.” But let’s talk about everything in order …

I often hear complaints that they just have to fall in love – and everything begins to collapse rapidly. It seems to men that they are weakening, and women are beginning to take advantage of their weakness and relations are getting worse and worse. But what really happens, and does love always mean loss of strength?

Why love makes you weak and how to avoid it
In fact, what happens: often falling in love, a man begins to associate with the girl all the pleasure of life – literally merges with her and wants all thoughts, plans and dreams to become common. Then each difference begins to be perceived as a blow, as a disappointment (“How, aren’t we a whole?”), And parting does look like a disaster.

If you recognize yourself in this description, first understand the main thing: not the girl created this situation – you created it yourself. The girl was and remains a separate person, therefore it is quite normal if there is no complete resemblance between you. It is not worth it to strive for complete unity at all costs – it is simply impossible (and is usually an illusion).

You should always have “your own territory”: your hobbies, friends, hobbies, dreams. They will become your support in the event of a break, with their help you can maintain the girl’s interest in relationships, and sometimes cause her slight jealousy. It is impossible to reduce all interests, aspirations and plans to one person. Learn to strike a balance between your own life and your “common territory”. Learn to look for a fulcrum within yourself, and not in other people – this is the internal locus of control.

How to maintain independence in a relationship
You rely on yourself and remain independent when:
• Have your own individual hobbies and hobbies, your own plans (in work and in life);
• You understand that a girl may have her own opinion, but this does not oblige you to change (it is enough to seek a compromise);
• You understand that love cannot be begged, earned, or bought.

On the last point I want to stay separately. If you, having felt the cooling on the part of the girl, are trying to “earn” her love, this usually has a short-term effect and over time you will need more and more investments to maintain interest. In response to cooling, it is also much more efficient to “lower the degree of glow” and switch to something else: work, communication, hobbies. Perhaps even cause her little jealousy (but only if the reason for the cooling was not your betrayal or flirting with another).

The exception will be situations when you yourself provoked cooling by some mistake and undermined her confidence. In this case, it makes sense to make amends, but without verbose apologies and confessions (actions are always more weighty than words). At the same time, it is important to notice the line beyond which resentment passes into manipulation: if you apologized and tried to fix everything, and you are reminded of the wrongdoing again and again, this is a good reason for cooling on your part. A distance in response to an attempt to manipulate will be the best way to stop manipulation.

By Cindy
October 18, 2019

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