Free relationships: pitfalls, surface reefs and funny sharks(2)
5. OTHERS
Free relations usually imply the presence of participants in the situation, who, by the way, did not give consent to such difficulties and who could misunderstand and spoil everything. And they can not even simply, but almost certainly spoil it.
Especially if you tell them the whole truth and explain how everything is arranged here.
If we look at the adherents of open marriage already mentioned here, Jean-Paul Sartre and Simon de Beauvoir, we see that first of all those Russian students and American writers suffered with this freedom, with whom these masters of French philosophy and literature had their novels. These “others” were then desperately jealous, then they tried to make friends with the second half and become full members of the family.
Scandals, dramas, suicide attempts, lawsuits, hatred, blackmail and revenge, revenge, revenge! And then successively Sartre did to the unhappy Simon, and Simon – to Sartre. This all, of course, gave depth to their books dedicated to human suffering and unhappiness. But if you are not chasing the Nobel Prize in this area, the game is not worth the candle.
And yes, it is not necessary to hope that all your novels will be random and short-lived. That nameless beauty from the club with which you planned to spend several pleasant hours may well turn into Kendall, sobbing three times a week into your girl’s waistcoat, asking her to return you immediately.
6. JEALOUSY
Let’s just take a boring and long quote from a psychology textbook: “The dominant approach, within which jealousy is considered, is the concept of evolutionary psychology.” One of the leaders in this area, seriously exploring jealousy, is D. Bass (D. Buss).
Representatives of this approach argue that jealousy is a natural evolutionary mechanism necessary for the adaptation and preservation of relationships.
Bass considers jealousy in the following way: in the history of mankind, partner’s unfaithfulness always carried the threat of destruction of relations, and, consequently, certain threats for the person himself. For a man, the infidelity of a woman and the loss of a partner could mean the impossibility of procreation. For a woman, the loss of a partner could mean a loss of resources for existence. ”
So, the problem is that this D. Bass, like hundreds of like-minded people, is right: jealousy is an important evolutionary program of our species (and not only ours, I will note), the most natural element of our psyche. That is, when you or your girlfriend say “I’m not jealous,” then the likelihood that you are telling the truth is approximately equal to the probability that you are telling the truth, saying “I was born with three legs.” Such volume mutations, of course, occur, but extremely rarely.
Do not be jealous of your partner because of his physical (and emotional) intimacy with a competitor, we can in one case: if we do not consider him to be our partner. That is, not we, but our evolutionary “I.” And since our evolutionary “I” is very economic and doesn’t scatter partners, we are even jealous of those partners whom we don’t really hurt.
So a free relationship will inevitably and regularly hurt each of you. Even if you try very hard not to notice this pain – to whistle, joke and even say to yourself: “This is all nonsense, it’s everyday life, I love not her body, but her soul … And with whom this body is hanging around, I would like know?”
7. SOMEONE BECOMES IMPORTANT
When we embrace, kiss and put a stranger to sleep with us, there is always a chance that in our embrace he will cease to be a stranger to us. Such close emotional and physical contact, like sex, always carries the risk (or chance) of experiencing the strongest mutual affection. The one that some optimists call love.
And the more often we experiment with the freedom of relations, the more we embrace and kiss others, the higher the likelihood of very firmly entering into new relations, which do not promise any freedom.
Of course, “falling in love with the other” also happens in regular couples, but for couples with free relationships, the likelihood of pulling out this lucky ticket jumps by 60%. So start a free relationship, but it will be very good if apartments, careers and especially children are not at stake. Because you should not try to build a strong house on such a shaky foundation.
WHEN FREE RELATIONS HAVE A PLACE TO BE
■ When neither you nor she talk about love, but simply decide that you sometimes enjoy sleeping and meeting together. At the same time you do not live together and do not even call up every day. And both understand that this is not for long.
■ When you were married for fifteen years, gave birth to common children, and then you separated forever, but sometimes you sleep together and watch the Game of Thrones.
■ When one of the two has such serious health problems that sex is out of the question, but you don’t want to part and agree that “sometimes it is possible, but it’s desirable that no one should know about it, first of all I”.
■ When you are friends for so long that you don’t live so much, and sometimes you have sex in a friendly way at a time when neither she nor you have any serious relationship.
