If a woman asks. How to answer the questions of your girlfriend
If you think your answers are flawless, why does she sob in the corner every time, pulling an ashtray at your head?
The day will come, and she will ask you. The most innocent, at first glance, question – which, upon closer examination, will be more dangerous than cholera. Unless, of course, you can not find the right answer to it.
Not only women ask strange and inappropriate questions. Tax inspectors, investigators, and embassies of foreign powers, in which you are trying to get a visa, often commit this same sweet weakness. So do not slander women’s obsession. When we ask you our eternal questions, we often crave not for information – but for the right reaction. And usually we do not get it. Perhaps this is what we need … but, generally, both sides would be happier from a compromise. You would stop being angry, she – offended, and valuable porcelain plates would remain safe and sound. And there are only a few questions of these unfortunates.
“Do you love me?”
As usual you answer:
a) yes.
b) And what do you think I’m doing now?
c) Well, you know!
d) Who? I?
All of the above answers are not answers to this question. In fact, she suspects that you treat her well, but she passionately wants to listen to all beautiful and promising words. A lady needs a sip of attention, and you offer her a few drops. Therefore, she will repeat again: “Do you love me?” Further dialogue is not difficult to predict:
YOU: I said yes.
SHE: That’s not what I asked. I asked: do you love me?
YOU: Yes-ahhh! Love Almost like myself. You are happy?
SHE: I just asked if you love me and you immediately start yelling!
The next half hour you spend in silence. Her conviction blazes with neon letters. You nervously click the TV remote. She slams the bedroom door. You sleep on the couch in the living room. After a week of hassle and showdown you finally reconcile. And live quietly until the next “Do you love me?”
How to answer this question: There is such a term in linguistics. “Expanded sentence” is called. Here it is necessary to answer just with the help of these proposals. Avoid humor, do not give up before utterly slobbery and make heartfelt pauses in those places where you start to get off the point. The general idea of the statement should be reduced to the fact that without her your life would be deprived of purpose, joy, and any meaning. (If you are very ashamed, you can cross your fingers behind your back.)
Why it is necessary to answer this way: Only twenty-two words instead of one pathetic guerrilla “Yeah” – and you can assume that our diplomats have made significant progress in the peaceful resolution of the military conflict.
“How I look?”
As usual you answer:
a) Oh good.
b) Great.
c) Normal.
d) You do not say anything, you depict everything with mimic muscles.
How to answer: We are trying to collect a generous tribute from you, and you want to get off with a dry statement of fact. Will not work. Be sure to emphasize the most successful details of her appearance, point out the overall completeness of the picture and finish the event with a kiss. By the way, if you notice any defect (puff on the stocking, the button has come off, the skirt is tucked into the pantyhose from behind), report it only in cases where this defect can be immediately eliminated. Otherwise, be blind and dumb.
Why do you have to answer this way: A woman is very dependent on male opinion. With one or two words, you can either raise her on a pedestal of radiant narcissism, or throw her into the abyss of self-deprecation. And at such moments our character is extremely spoiled.
Be sure to emphasize the most successful details of her appearance.
“What are you thinking about?”
As usual you answer:
a) Eh?
b) What?
c) About anything.
She, like you, knows perfectly well that a person is not capable of thinking “about anything” (exceptions are victims of a catatonic stupor, yoga). The thought process always goes on – even in flashes, even in queuing queues … So the answer “about nothing” is automatically translated as “leave me alone”. What is bitter and insulting.
How to answer: It’s better to answer the truth: “About zigzags on the floor, about duties on foreign cars and how I got poisoned with juice in the third grade”
Why it is necessary to answer this way: She decides that you are sincere and direct and will no longer painfully suspect you that right next to her you dream of some strange sluggishness.
To be continued.
